Some people, through the grace of luck or whatever deity you subscribe to, are smooth. Some of you lucky readers out there can walk into a room, light it up, and say some of the funniest stuff I’ve ever heard without skipping a beat. If you are one of these smooth, debonair, James Bond impersonators, please go read a different article. You don’t need to hear what I have to say. Actually, please read the last paragraph.

Are they gone? Good. Now for the rest of you shmucks out there, I have a problem with you. To all of you Steve Urkels, Screech’s, Ron Weasley’s, Lindsay Lohan’s, Snookie’s, and George Costanza’s in the room, please pay attention. Legendary screw ups, alcoholics and people who just don’t get it of the world, please learn to control your shit.

Now as much as the administration may not like my use of cuss words in this article, please know it’s for a point. Those of you who I’m speaking of know who you are. You go to clubs, drink way too much, embarrass your friends, and go home with whatever northeastern guy is desperate enough to take you. Or a judge puts an ankle bracelet on you and you go drink at the MTV movie awards (really?). Or you bust into the house of the woman you like, bust all the dish’s, and exclaim “Did I do that?” Or you propose to a woman, she says yes, and then you inadvertently kill her because you were to cheap to buy envelopes with better glue.

You see, what your friends aren’t willing to tell you is that your behavior is obnoxious. We don’t like having to go places with you and clean up or pay for the mess you make, we don’t like having to hunt you down in the morning and make sure you’re alive, and we don’t like being woken up at 3 am because you’re too screwed up to swipe into you’re dorm. For some reason, you weren’t taught how to handle your shit.

Those of us who are able to control our shit, you see we don’t get into these predicaments. We don’t get thrown out of bars, we don’t break people’s windows, we don’t wait by the phone for three weeks waiting for whoever we met that night to call us back. We try not to lose control of our emotions, sanity or consciousness to the point where we have to yell “Serenity Now” or face serious jail time or apologize to our friends because we called them dirty pirate hookers the night before.

Ok Mr. Bond, JP and Usher. We get it, you’re smoother than everyone else. You have the innate ability to handle your shit. Congrats. We need you to handle our shit too. See, those of us who haven’t figure out that its inappropriate to call that crush of ours every morning at three am and then hang up when they pick up, we need your help. Our parents never got it through our head. We can change, we really can. You silky smooth criminals have a responsibility to see a friend who is about to screw up royal and stop them. You have a responsibility to show them that this situation they keep finding themselves in is unhealthy. You need to be there to support your friends when they get busted up so bad that they finally admit to themselves they need help, and maybe you have to beat it into them if they don’t. (NOTE: editors of Culture Shock do not promote beating of friends to get a point accross). Yes yes, I know it sucks. Those of you who actually get through to your bone head friends are doing the entire population of humanity a service. Let me be the first to thank you. Just keep it up, even try to expand you’re control of your proverbial children, everyone will appreciate it. Thank you.

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