A Meditation

| October 10, 2017 | 0 Comments

Inhale.

Exhale.

Inhale.

Clear mind. 

Exhale.

Don’t know. 

Inhale

Try not to grab at fleeting thoughts. Detach from the body sitting cross-legged on the floor of a dim room in a city full of people thinking so many thoughts the weight of them could sink Boston into the harbor. Dissolve into the universe.

Exhale.

No matter much I barricade the door, thoughts are piling up against it, bowing it under the pressure of responsibilities and stress and funny things that happened today and anxiety and what am I going to eat tomorrow and oh I can’t forget to email her back and is this over yet because I need to go to bed and meditating really feels like a waste of time and I can’t do this. 

Inhale.

Send feelers out into infinity, looking for something. Something cradling me and this frenetic city and the little sphere we are all on. Something divine. 

Exhale.

Don’t know. I don’t know. I can’t see or hear or feel anything. The sheer scope of the universe throws my little feelers, my radar, my SOS back at me. 

Inhale.

I’m looking for a feeling of connectedness. I’ve grasped at that feeling before. Where? Where do I find the divine, whatever it is? 

Exhale.

It’s so hard to find. Hard to get a grip on it, to hold it firmly in my two hands. Hard to back it into a corner and shine a bright flashlight on it and say hah, I’ve got you now god, you can’t hide from me anymore. Here’s the proof I was looking for. 

Inhale.

I  feel it in the mountains, as high in the world as I can get. Green hills and stark peaks spread before me as far as I can see. Cool wind lifting me up into infinity. I close my eyes and I become Emerson’s transparent eyeball. 

I feel it in the desert, surrounded by red-gold dunes and an inky night sky so impenetrably black that the stars seem all around me. That it seems like I am lying in the silvery paint stroke of the milky way, transported by my insignificance in the infinite universe.

I feel it outside. Away from the millions of thoughts of millions of people. In the untarnished beauty of the natural world. What some call the glory of god’s creation, but I just don’t know. 

Exhale.

Maybe god does live in Jerusalem. Maybe he’s canoeing down the Ganges, or holding court behind closed doors in the Vatican. Maybe god drinks cold coffee in every church basement in America, and hangs out in mosques and synagogues across the world. Maybe he lounges in temples and sits by shrines of all faiths. Maybe. I just don’t know. 

Inhale.

What I know is where I feel closest to divinity. I don’t think anyone has it right or wrong. God is in the goodness of people, when they invoke his name. God motivates people to do great and terrible things. He captures hearts and minds and lives and he is tricky and elusive. Every one tries to slap a claim on him, and say we’ve got him now, so in your face, but he’s hard to pin down. 

Exhale.

I’ll keep looking. Keep trying to forge a connection to the universe. To find something bigger than me. 

Inhale.

Exhale.

-

featured photo credit: photo credit: Nicholas Erwin The Milky Way Re-Edit via photopin (license)

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Category: featured, Philosophy and Religion, Poetry, Prose and Comedy, Reflections

Ellen Asermely

About the Author ()

Ellen Asermely is a senior (!) in the Pardee School studying International Relations. Born and raised in Rhode Island, the smallest but weirdest state, she enjoys coffee milk, the Big Blue Bug, and Awful Awfuls. In her free time, Ellen can be found by the ocean, eating anything with cheese on it, reading Harry Potter, or hugging strangers' dogs.

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