Being Nothing

| November 14, 2017 | 0 Comments

If you asked me a year ago if I was straight, I would have replied, “yes.” 6 months ago, I would have said, “yes, mostly.” Now I would say, “No…but yes…but not really…I don’t know. I’m nothing.” I’m not comfortable categorizing myself as bisexual. At least, I’m not right now, and I have no idea if I ever will be. I feel no connection to the word queer, and I’m not fond of ‘questioning’ either. I’m letting myself be nothing right now, and that’s okay. I know that’s okay. But do I want to be nothing forever?

There is something appealing about the idea of a life without labels, never worrying about how to define myself. I could just live my life however I want and let that be it. I’d never have to Come Out to my family or friends, which, no matter what happens, I have subzero desire to do. There would be no expectations of who or how to be (well, in terms of sexual orientation, anyway). I could just… be me, and the people who actually love me would be along for the ride.

At the same time, however, there’s a sense of belonging that feels like it would be missing. I have no idea whether I should consider myself a member of the LGBT+ community, and if I can’t come up with a label for myself, maybe I’ll never know. Or does the very act of questioning my sexual orientation make me a member of that community to some degree? Just today, I was working on a television script with a gay main character and asked myself if I should be writing this person, if I could write this person authentically. I couldn’t come up with an answer. In that moment, I couldn’t figure out if I was representing my own community or another. Life is full of gray areas that make labels problematic, but there is sometimes an ease brought by categorizing things. I would know easily how to explain myself to people, and I would know who my community is. I wouldn’t have to answer questions with vague statements about “just living my life” or try to pass as straight because I don’t know what else to be.

Ultimately, it doesn’t really matter what specific word I tell people to define myself. I’m still the same person, regardless of what classification I decide to slap on myself, and as a society we are becoming much more understanding of sexual fluidity. Labels don’t have to be set in stone now– if I feel like one thing one day and another thing another day, that’s fine. Still, I think that I’d like to know, for me. I’d like to have a word for who I am. That word will probably make itself clearer at some point, maybe when I understand myself a little better. For now, I’m nothing, and that’s okay.

featured image credit: torbakhopper the new horizon : orientation chart, san francisco (2015) via photopin (license)

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Category: featured, The (Sex)es

Samantha Troll

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