Boston University Welcomes You to North Campus!

| November 18, 2016 | 0 Comments

Welcome to Boston University’s prestigious new North Campus, located smack dab in the center of the Charles River!

With roadways and facilities that take your breath away both above and underwater, our North Campus is bound to blow you away, out of the water, and straight back in! You won’t even complain about the spike in tuition. How can you, when we’ve pulled all the stops to open up the grandest new dormitory building this side of the United States, that’s ten floors high and a further ten deep? Taking a cue from all the recent young adult novel film adaptations that have been coming out, we have proudly named this building Student Village III Part One, with a Student Village III Part Two slated for release June 2018.

Prepare to smile uncontrollably when you see the view from your underwater room (should you land one; they are available exclusively for Seniors with a GPA 4.0 or higher)! We here at BU have personally acquired an entire school of performance dolphins and released them into the river, purely for your benefit and that of prospective students’ parents and guardians!

Missed Lobster Night? Well, now it’s Lobster Night every night with the opening of our new seafood-themed dining hall, Brown Hall Blue: open 7am to 9pm with Late Night services running from 5pm to 9:05pm. Enjoy a selection of almost four different dishes, in addition to our standard sandwich, brick oven, and grill works menus! And be sure to drop by every Monday, when every station exclusively dishes out salads. We love vegans! We have a great relationship with the vegans.

Excited about classes? We are too! BU is proud to present its four newest majors: Sailing, Maritime Zoology, Maritime Herbology*, and Theater Management.

*EDIT: A concerned junior has just reported to us that “Herbology” isn’t real but a Harry Potter thing. We obviously meant “Maritime Botany,” guys. Come on.

Sail the Charles in any one of our two dozen new boats, three of which were signed by semi-prestigious BU alum Bill O’ Reilly while he was here protesting for the rights of our new dolphins. Our signed three boats are estimated at $500,000 each now, partially paid for by your BU tuition! To be fairer to you and to make sure you are getting your money’s worth, we have added two Sailing courses as part of your General Education requirements if you are enrolled in any of the following: CAS, COM, CGS, SHA, and SED. You’ll learn essential skills like Joey did from Rachel in that one episode of Friends!

You guys know Friends, right? Or are we being too 90’s here?

A prospective student decides BU is his dream school after having befriended Napoleon. photo credit: Wondermonkey2k A man chooses, a slave obeys [day 51 of 365] via photopin (license)

A prospective student decides BU is his dream school after having befriended Napoleon. photo credit: Wondermonkey2k A man chooses, a slave obeys [day 51 of 365] via photopin (license)

Hah! Kidding! BU has totes got 21st century lingo down, broskis. North Campus will have approximately 18 new Pokestops and three Pokemon gyms for you Pokemon Go players. See? We’re hip! Embrace your inner millennial and learn the language of the business when you engage in hands-on management experience with North Campus’ new Mermaid Theater. Now, MFA students can hold even more great original plays! The ticket booth will be open six days a week from 9am to 5pm. Expect to be greeted by our new animatronic Dean Elmore on your way through the door, complete with classic Elmore zings!

As for our two Maritime Biology tracks, we have hired a host of new adjunct professors to show you that life truly is better under the sea! They’ll teach you everything you need to know about underwater life, and then some, using textbooks authored by BU professors. Be sure to drop by the BU bookstore to pick them up; it took a lot of convincing to get these men and women to agree to teaching using someone else’s book, after all!* Be sure to check out our new laboratories too: all of our equipment is completely up-to-date. Seriously, Adobe hasn’t bugged us about updating Flash Player in almost two weeks and our YouTube runs great.

*Also, don’t even think about trying to illegally download them, because we’ll know.

And last but not least, our historic North Campus also houses one of BU’s finest new attractions: The Questrom Fitness and Body Management Center. A further donation of $25 million from Allen and Kelli Questrom has prompted us to open this new massive second gym, reserved especially for Questrom School of Business students. Check out our new treadmills, salmon ladders, rock-climbing walls and kickboxing facilities! Formal attire required.

Come check out the Boston University North Campus today! Tour sessions start everyday at 9am. If you have any questions, comments, or concerns, be sure to email us at donotreply@bu.edu. If you have any complaints about the way we’re polluting the river or treating the animals, reach out to us at willnotreply@bu.edu!

Featured photo credit: Infomastern Blue Hour in the City via photopin (license)

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Category: Campus Culture, featured, Food and Travel, Poetry, Prose and Comedy

Aaraf Afzal

About the Author ()

Aaraf Afzal is many things, but he is not (yet) a Keyblade Master. He continues to work towards this goal, among others, at Boston University's College of Arts and Sciences where he seems to be majoring in Procrastination. An avid subscriber to the belief that all forms of media have their own sense of artistic beauty, he is particularly invested in writing fiction and recently released his first novel "Re: Revolution" in Bangladesh. Alongside his pursuits at Culture Shock, he's currently at work writing an online series. Next stop: going global! When he is not writing stories, he can be found tucked away under a blanket reading either (A) fantasy novels, (B) TV Tropes, (C) comic books, or, of course, (D) Culture Shock! Giggity.

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