i can’t eat my cake too.

| March 28, 2018 | 0 Comments

I often say that awareness is a double-edged sword. Being aware is a blessing because you are not succumbing to ignorance. Being aware is a curse because you’re…well, aware. You cannot unsee things. You can’t un-comprehend things. You are faced with the reality of how things are, and there isn’t a manual on how to deal with that. It’s a slap in the face that you didn’t see coming. Accepting the truth of the world is definitely the hardest feat of mankind.

In awareness, you become conscious of your body in space, your life in perspective, and your place in society. If you’re anything like me, that highkey freaks you out. It’s like noticing a clock ticking and not being able to stop hearing it. In this state of heightened awareness, you start to see the things that glazed over your mind for so long. For me, many of them have been ugly.

It’s one thing to be aware of your place, but when you start to feel out of place in spaces that are specifically created for you, then it really messes with you. All too often I will walk into ‘safe’ spaces or places that are specifically tailored to the many identities I carry, and I will still feel like an outsider. Is it the awareness that puts me in this state? Many time I feel like I do me wrong. That the identities that I cannot rid myself of are ‘not good enough’ to meet the standard. What standards? Set by whom? In all honesty, I cannot rightly answer these, but it’s rather an energy I feel when I enter such places. It’s like walking into a room and feeling everyone’s eyes on you.

Feeling rejected from places meant for me makes me question where I do belong. You often hear that in college you will find your ‘niche’ and all will be well in the world. At this point, I don’t know if that is true. I’ve yet to find a place where I feel 100% comfortable and there is no doubt in my mind that I belong there. It’s hard to hear people claim spaces to be inclusive and welcoming, and not even realize how isolating they are. Like I said, awareness isn’t always a good thing.

I said accepting the truth of the world is the hardest feat of mankind. I lied. I think the hardest feat is not finding your niche, but rather creating it and using it to create welcoming spaces. Maybe spending time searching for places to fit in or ‘belong’ is going about it all wrong. In being aware of the body and soul, I think it’s necessary to revere that and let that be the place of welcome. Let the comprehension be the warm hugs and smiling faces. Whether good or ugly, it is honest and doesn’t sugarcoat. A constant companion.

And yet, I still search for the superficial places to abide.

What can I say? The cake is tempting.

————–
photo credit: photo credit: _Hadock_ Quiet the mind and the Soul will speak via photopin (license)

Tags: , , , , ,

Category: featured, Reflections

Ruth D.

About the Author ()

Ruth is a sophomore studying Health Science. She's VERY passionate about anything from the 80s. She has a new found love for dogs & spends too much time thinking about questions that don't have answers. And about ramen.

Leave a Reply