Which Would You Choose?: A Self-Indulgent Speculation

| February 8, 2017 | 0 Comments

I lay in bed, curled up in a blanket, head gently resting upright. I type moderately contemplated words on a typewriting app to accommodate a nostalgic mind that’s grown deeply accustomed to spell-check. It is 11:19pm and tomorrows schedule is as follows:

9:00am – 11:00am: Work
11:00am – 2:00pm: Class
2:00pm – 3:00pm: Doctors Appointment
3:00pm – 4:00pm: Production Meeting
4:00pm – TBD: Homework and blog posts and scripts, oh my.

For an average dramatically busy college student, this schedule would be considered an easier day.

But in 24 hours, my head will still feel the same painful sting within the fog of thoughts I can only process in my gut. The words I need to complete my thoughts are hard to recall, as is the memory of what I ate for dinner yesterday. My eyes will sting and maybe I’ll even get hit with an inexplicable pang of sadness that I’ll wrongfully intellectualize beyond the simple, logical reason: I have a tired, injured brain.

Long story short, I got into a bad car accident at the end of August and have a Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) and TMJ Injury. But that’s not the point of this narrative. The point, I should note, is ironic; for it is rooted in the fact that I really shouldn’t be writing this at all.

**note: What I’m about to declare about myself may or may not be a result of societal norms, pressures, and ideals. I leave you, the reader, with the task of contemplating its place in modern, western culture if you determine it has a place at all.

I have fucked up priorities! I could easily say “yes, I need to put my health first and not only heal my brain, but prevent potential permanent damage.” But instead I choose work, class, homework, extracurriculars and a few side projects.

Why? Because I actually feel guilty putting my physical health before academic, artistic, and career-oriented success. I feel lazy requesting extended deadlines so I can rest my head, and I feel thwarted every time I skip a class to focus on recovering. Not to mention that I couldn’t not be in and produce two mainstage shows. And I’d be slacking off if I didn’t write this very post.

This is simply absurd! My brain is injured and at risk for long-standing cognitive disorder symptoms, and my biggest concern is writing my screenplay on time.

Realistically, I should have taken the semester off. But why didn’t I do that? Because I had a plan.

Now, it’s not a plan of time or money or even specific career goals. It’s a matter of speed.

The plan is to accomplish, complete, and learn as many things as possible during my college career. It is to exceed all expectations, because now is when we [supposedly] pave our nearing career paths.

So now I am stuck. Stuck between my extreme, personal perception of failure, and my health.

But there’s no right choice, because choosing one could effect both negatively regardless.

I leave it to you, the reader, to decide my insanity or normalcy. Injured or not, most people will at some point or another face a question of work vs. personal. Which would you choose?

Photo via Good Free Photos

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Category: featured, Reflections

Danielle Diamond

About the Author ()

Maker of films, writer of stories, lover of music.

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