De-romanticizing Toxic Relationships

| October 10, 2017 | 0 Comments

For some godforsaken reason, falling for total dicks has become the new “thing” for our generation. Whether it be the allure of breaking through their surface to find this sweet, sensitive being that was hiding under a facade or because we are all bound to our relentless self-destructive tendencies, assholes seem to be the new “dream partner.”

News flash: people that seem to be assholes tend to actually be assholes. Contrary to what most rom-coms would lead us to believe, cold, distant people do not all have secretly soft, caring personas hidden on the inside just waiting for the right person to set them free. Thinking you can change them anyways is almost as bad, if not worse. You can influence someone to want to change how they act around you, but you cannot fundamentally change another person. If they want to change their ways it has to come from them or else it will not stand the test of time. Relying on this magical transformative impact that you may have on someone will only lead to frustration and disappointment if they are not fulfilling the role in your life that you thought you could mold them to fit in.

I’m not going to sit here acting all high and mighty as if I have not also been guilty-as-charged to this trend, but I would really like to take a moment to dive into it to understand the fucked-up logic behind it.

Dating in 2017 is a back-and-forth power move game where both parties want to seem the least interested, attached, or emotionally invested in the relationship. Personally, it’s exhausting. Constantly having to unlearn emotions is just not human nature.

It is not better to try to loophole love and aim for people you only kind of like because they are “safe.” First of all, no one is “safe.” Human beings are unpredictable creatures and absolutely anyone can disappoint you. As scary as that sounds, coming to terms with that, but still understanding that it is okay to trust someone with your emotions, is so rewarding. With relationships it is easier to think of it like this: you can only get from it as much as you give. If you only give them 50% of you, that’s the most you can get out of it.

A partner doesn’t even have to be an obvious asshole to create a toxic environment for a relationship. Characters like Ross do this fun little thing called being emotionally manipulative where they guilt their significant other and make them feel personally accountable for their emotions. The biggest issue with emotional manipulation in relationships is that it is often difficult to detect from the inside, and even once detected, the very essence of those relationships make it just that much harder to get out of them.

Accepting genuine love and affection, having a person care about you beyond your exterior, is such a wholesome feeling. We are so afraid of failed expectations that we aim for rock bottom as a destructive self-defense mechanism.

A big part of breaking this pattern is working on yourself first. When you learn to love and value yourself as a person, your standards in how others treat you will also change. You only seek what you think you deserve, and learning that you deserve so much more will help you stop aiming for those rock-bottom, soul suckers that you unfortunately call your exes.

There is nothing romantic about wasting time and emotional energy on people that you know for a fact are toxic and do not treat you like the queen that you are. A partner should add to your life, not be a constant source of stress or discomfort. Relationships aren’t for everyone, but please, if you do embark on this journey, value yourself and aim for what you deserve: a loving, supportive partner that appreciates you as a person and treats you right.

Feautured photo credit: Frozen rose – short film of love and infidelity Marc Ndal 04 via photopin (license)

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Category: featured, Reflections, Romance, The (Sex)es

Virginia Roa

About the Author ()

Salty and brown. Mildly afraid of butterflies. Lover of fashion, books, and the power of words.

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