Strap on your seatbelts, buckle up your helmets and brace yourself: we’re playing Monopoly. Are you prepared to lose every friend you have over this game? If you aren’t, you’re just not playing it correctly. Take your half-hearted attempts at playing and go home. Give me your all or don’t join my game. There will be no snack breaks and you will play until it’s over. This is not a game. This. Is. Serious.
Rewind. Here’s some background about me: I grew up in a monopoly household. My older brother and I broke out the Disney Monopoly every weekend. We’re talking Lady and the Tramp take on Dumbo. My brother may have been great at playing Monopoly, but I was great at playing the role of little sister. We always got to the point in the game where he had castles (yes, castles) and I didn’t have the money to pay him. Next, came the stubborn statement and the accompanying pout: “I’m not playing anymore”. He, of course, would demand that I had to pay him and I would protest that I didn’t have to because I wasn’t playing. If I quit, at least I didn’t lose. Both of us were, and still are, relentlessly stubborn and the game always ended in shouts and tears. Regardless, we were always still excited to play by the time next weekend came around.
To this day, Monopoly is my absolute favorite game. I may have lost as a child, but I’m out for my revenge and I’m out to win. I am known for forcing my friends into hours of competition and I think I speak on behalf of all of them when I say that they have all questioned their life choices in those few hours. Why were they ever friends with such a cruel, relentless and vindictive person? Why are they spending their entire Saturday being bullied by their best friend? I don’t have an answer for them, but I would like to say thank you. I view Monopoly as a test of friendship. If someone is still willing to be my friend after a violent Monopoly match, I know that the friendship is stronger than anything and will never be broken. They have seen me at my worst and somehow managed to continue to like and respect—or at least tolerate—me. Whether it’s a miracle or if I just have very patient friends, I may never know. Oh, and I’m sorry to my ninth grade economics class for throwing the bank to the ground and kicking the board. I told her not to buy Park Place. You cannot play Monopoly in partners.
Here’s my challenge for you: test your friends and play Monopoly. It’ll be fun, I promise. Remember, you must be prepared to lose each and every one of them in your path to conquest or you’re wasting your time.