i know no love, only fear

| March 1, 2018 | 0 Comments

In the midst of the constant buzz of midterms and the dreary weather, my mind cannot stop pondering on the idea of unconditional love. I will come back to why I think it’s an idea later. The controversial topic divides a lot more than it unites. Quite the oxymoron, isn’t it? I have heard of instances where parents tell their children they love them unconditionally, even if they did things they didn’t necessarily agree with. This dynamic is simply baffles me, because I simply cannot relate.

Here’s where Ruth goes on a rant strongly worded tangent about Christianity, but I’m going to keep this brief. I was raised in a very strict household and the idea of unconditional love never existed. It wasn’t until I got older that I realized this wasn’t necessarily true. On the daily, it was pumped into my brain how much Jesus loved me that he laid down his life for me so I wouldn’t have to suffer for my sins. Despite all of us being sinners, He continues to love us and want the best for us. Sounds unconditional to me. All I had to do was commit my life to him and obey all of his laws listed in the Bible. However, here’s the catch. If you don’t obey, he hates you and would condemn you to hell to suffer forever. Wait, what? Didn’t y’all just say that Jesus loves everyone? It went over my head how this ‘love’ I was taught was on a conditional basis. Love was something that was taken away the minute you contradicted the guidelines and wouldn’t come back until you complied.

I still wonder if this was all just a parenting tactic disguised as the will of God. My parents very much had the same mindset. They would love and support me as long as I abided by their rules. If I didn’t…. well I never really thought that far. Why bring unnecessary wrath upon your life? Complying seemed like the way to go. What I failed to realize was that complying manifested as living fear. The constant questioning and intrusive thoughts of whether or not I was “good” enough to be pardoned plagued my pre-adolescent mind. Lying to get out of “trouble” became my norm. (Not my best quality.) Constantly looking over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching, I’ve realized I’ve spent of my life hiding. Hiding from punishment, from disapproval, from losing this precious love.

But is that real love? Should your love come with a novel of terms and conditions that you have to sign your soul away to? You spend so much time rummaging through the fine print after you realize it’s too late. I’m not here to bash anyone in my life or my experiences. The life I’ve lived has made me the person I am today and has opened my eyes to a lot of things. It never made sense why I had to jump through flaming hoops and pray that I wouldn’t be burned in order to be loved and accepted. Now back to the idea of unconditional love. In my world, it is just an idea. One that only exists in picture books of ballerinas or in trilogies about faraway lands. A love so beautiful and untainted that it must exist in the imaginary. I don’t know what’s more terrifying. Hoping to find it or not being able to.
photo credit: samrodgers2 #21 via photopin (license)

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Category: featured, Philosophy and Religion, Reflections, Thurman Thoughts

Ruth D.

About the Author ()

Ruth is a sophomore studying Health Science. She's a VERY passionate Beyoncé stan and is willing to box if you think otherwise. She has a new found love for dogs & spends too much time thinking about questions that don't have answers. And about tacos.

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