Why I Let My Fear of Living Alone Exist

| February 18, 2017 | 0 Comments

A few Wednesdays ago, I was at my first class for the day at around 1:00 PM. This class does not require much discussion and as I was attempting to pay attention, I froze and in panic. I asked myself “when was the last time I used my voice today?” My brain unraveled until I realized that I called my mother this morning over breakfast; I had not been silently texting my human interactions away all day. This feeling, however, has been a regular one for me during the last three months of living alone for the first time.

I do love living alone. I enjoy my morning coffee in silence, my relatively home-made food, and my messy closet that I do not have to share. Yet I catch myself texting people more often than ever asking them to come over and do homework or just stop by and chat. Quickly, I will tidy my living room a little bit and eagerly await human contact. We do not even have to do the same thing, but knowing that if I laugh out loud there is someone to hear me is comforting in ways that I cannot eloquently explain.

photo credit: Vincent Lee  Good morning. Happy weekend! via photopin (license)

photo credit: Vincent Lee  Good morning. Happy weekend! via photopin (license)

What does this say about me? For years, I dreamed of living alone. I longed for a routine that I would not have to share with anyone else and for the opportunity to be a “real adult”. With my classes and clubs, I get a chance to talk to people all the time. Not a day goes by that I do not have an interaction with a friend and most nights I truly enjoy laying down in my couch watching Netflix at the loudest volume possible. So what does my occasional panic mean?

There are days I fear it means that I am always going to be dissatisfied. Other days I fear it means there will come a day I will have no one to immediately talk to or interact with that will care about what I say. However most days, I realize that my tiny panic means that I am actually doing just fine.

If my fear of not talking to anyone all day means that I actively make an effort to reach out to my friends, to write, and to keep myself busy it means that I will not let living alone make me lose touch of the real world. If I can still appreciate the silence in my room without ever wanting to be secluded, it means that I will be okay.

featured photo credit: gregorywass Chicago, 2016 via photopin (license)

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Hansika Ramchandani

About the Author ()

Hansika Ramchandani is a Junior double majoring in History and International Relations. She loves it when you laugh at all of her [not] funny jokes and accept the fact that she needs yet another cup of coffee.

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