Recently, my doctor informed me, in a total reversal of a previous conversation, that she won’t be filling my prescription for Adderall unless I meet with her once a month. Apparently, she doesn’t trust college students with it.
I have a lot of feelings about this decision, obviously. The first is anger at her, for finally granting my wish, finally medicating me, and then taking it away the next month out of the blue. The second is anger at my Adderall-peddling peers and their customers. Really not a fan of you guys right now.
See, while you’re out taking your magic pill to spend a night cramming for a midterm you procrastinated on studying for, I’m sitting here trying to cram for a midterm I forgot I even had this week. While you’re writing those three term papers, I’m struggling to write the four hundred words this article has to be. While you’re curing cancer or solving world hunger or whatever-the-fuck, I’m sitting here eyeing my last two pills and considering whether I should really use one of them to write that fanfiction I’ve been trying to finish for a month.
I need Adderall to get shit done, full stop. This is not a game, or a fun, crazy rush for me. Where you guys get hyped up, it cools me down and lets me think, lets me breathe in a brain that is usually suffocated with thoughts. The first time I tried it I legitimately teared up, because I sat still for an entire hour without having to get up and wander around. The other day I was reading a book for class and managed to get through the assigned section without having to stop and waste three hours on Tumblr. For the first time in my life I’m able to say, “Hey, I’m going to do my homework,” and then sit down and actually do some of it.
Generally, my opinion on college drugs is: it’s not my business. If you want to smoke weed just to get high or whatever, you’re the only one being affected, man, and I don’t really care. But when you bring drugs that people use as medication, that people need to function, into the picture, that’s when it gets personal. Because my doctor just told me she won’t be giving me medicine because of you. And I’m a little pissed about it. The negative stigma surrounding ADHD and ADHD medication is already bad enough without people who don’t even have it, who shouldn’t even be getting their hands on these drugs, contributing to it. You treating this like a plaything or a magic pill makes it harder for people to take me seriously when I say I need them, for my insurance company to consider them essential, and for my doctor to take it on my word that I won’t abuse them.
And for what? A couple of hours where you trick yourself into thinking you’re being productive? Because guess what, asshole, ADHD drugs barely do jackshit to people who don’t actually have ADHD besides raise their heart rate. You might get an energy kick or something, since Adderall and the like are stimulants, but you being productive is probably just the placebo affect playing tricks on you. So, have fun with your increased risk of heart attack or whatever. If you want to know what it really feels like to take these things, it’s forcing yourself to eat lunch because your stomach’s growling but your brain’s not registering it. It’s staying up until three a.m. because you accidentally took your dose too late today. It’s writing half an essay, taking a study break, and then somehow spending six hours watching Dragon Ball Z videos on YouTube and writing a meta twice as long as how much your incomplete essay is supposed to be about how Gohan should have been the main character after the Cell Arc.
It’s not all pumpkins turning into coaches and rags turning into ball gowns. It’s nausea, late nights, and hyperfocus when you don’t need it.
But, it’s still a magic pill for me. When I use it, the world finally goes quiet, like a silencing spell. And I want to be able to keep that magic.