Open Letter to Fancy Bear

| February 7, 2017 | 0 Comments

Dear Fancy Bear,

While your motives are questionable, you’ve proven yourself as one of the world’s leading cyber espionage groups with attacks such as this one on the World Anti-Doping Agency and this one on the Democratic National Committee, among others. It’s despicable and scary, but, I’ve come to believe that it’s  inevitable. Call me a cynic, but I strongly believe that the days when anything on our computers were “private” are long gone. Everything is hackable and people seek power. These two simple truths, I believe, will lead to the eventual (though not too distant) regression from a digital back to an analog world, where people will exist in smaller, council-style governments that are less globally connected. But that’s a thought for another post. Here, I simply hope to employ the help of a bored Fancy Bear worker–young Arkady, perhaps–fresh out of university and looking to cause some cyber-mischief. So, here goes:

First, if you could please hack into the emails and notes of Nic Pizzolatto, and find out exactly what the hell he was thinking when he wrote season two of True Detective, you’d make me the happiest young capitalist you’ve ever cyber-phished for. As a paying customer of HBO’s streaming service, I think I deserve to know. I’ve watched the season twice now (once entirely sober), and I still have no idea what happened. And I know this was over a year ago and that I should move on, but I can’t. I want to believe that there was some method behind the madness that was Colin Farrell and Rachel Mcadams and Vince Vaughn running around bribing politicians and uncovering conspiracies and looking sexy as hell, but I’m losing faith. And if in the depths of Pizzolatto’s emails you find that it was all a sham, that every week he’d just roll some dice and go, Okay this week this character will get killed and we’ll introduce these six new characters, then fine. At least I’ll know.

Second, I must know: did Stanley Kubrick stage the moon landing in 1969? I know this is old news, but it’s one of those things my mind always seems to go back to as I lie in bed, staring at my “The Shining” poster. And there’s ample evidence for it (what? you don’t get all your reliable news from Reality Sandwich?). While this is old news, I’m sure there are some archived reports somewhere. Perhaps deep in NASA’s catalogue of secrets. And Russia has a stake in this because if Kubrick did fake the moon landing, then Russia didn’t definitively lose the “race to space.” Your national pride is hanging on this, Arkady!



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