Stream of Consciousness: In Limbo

| May 17, 2017 | 0 Comments

I don’t know what I’m doing this summer. I don’t have an internship yet. I have jobs with only sporadic hours. I don’t know where I’ll be living yet, or who I’ll be living with.

I also don’t know what I’m going to be doing the summer of 2018. I graduate next May, and I don’t know what my plans are after that. I want to write television, but I don’t know if I want to move to L.A. I don’t know where in the country I’ll be living. I don’t know if I should go to grad school. I don’t know if I’ll have a job or where it would be if I do.

I try to tell myself that it’s okay to not know sometimes. Part of the reason I switched out of business school was because everything seemed so planned, so uniform and boxed-in. I seem, however, to have sent myself to the other extreme, because now I don’t know if I’ll ever even have a job in my chosen field. But is that okay? Sometimes not knowing, not having a set path, opens up new opportunities. Sometimes you find things you never expected, right?

I should be okay with not knowing. Spontaneity is kind of my norm– I’m not a planner. I like having flexibility and getting to do different things and not feeling trapped. And yet I find myself constantly worried about not having a steady job, not starting with a company straight out of college, staying with them for years, and climbing the ladder.

I wish I could tell whether this was a legitimate worry or just a product of the definition of success that’s been drilled into my head. Every person I ask seems to have a different answer. It does and doesn’t matter where you go to college, what you major in, where you live. It’s okay not to know and it’s also absolutely not okay not to have a ten year plan.

I suppose I just need to get more comfortable with uncertainty. The TV business certainly doesn’t have a shortage of it, so maybe all this constant career anxiety will actually prepare me for my career.

featured image credit: ryanvanetten Question via photopin (license)

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Samantha Troll

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