Sweet Senior Year

| January 4, 2018 | 0 Comments

Recently, I made the mistake of delving into my last relationship. Looking through pictures, reading old texts, cards, and the page he wrote in my high school year book induced more than a twinge of nostalgia.

I ended this three year relationship almost two full years ago, and up until recently, I haven’t regretted it. I missed this boy’s friendship, but I didn’t miss the relationship. Even if I couldn’t articulate it, I knew that it had to end and I had to move on. For the past (almost) two years I have learned to be and enjoyed being single, and every now and then been seized by crippling and loneliness and doubt! But I didn’t miss this relationship.

That is, until few months ago, just about the beginning of senior year of college. Insert some banalities about time and rose-colored glasses. I just can’t remember the bad in our relationship, why I felt like I needed to end it. We had a sweet high school relationship, why did I feel so compelled to kill it?

But I asked myself: what is it that I really miss? Is it that relationship, or is it something else?

I’m still trying to figure it out, but I think it’s a little bit of both.

I miss the comfort and familiarity of that relationship. We had been together so long that we were in that easy place, there was really no pressure to impress each other or do extravagant things. I felt so comfortable with him; I could tell him anything, could (and often did) ugly cry front of him, and didn’t worry about my appearance anymore. Meeting new people is hard, and getting to know them on that level is harder.

I miss where my life was when we were together. A lot has changed in the (almost) two years since we broke up: my dad died and my sister moved across the country. That relationship represents a time where things were more normal and seemed set in stone.

I miss the certainty of senior year of high school (believe me, I never thought I would say that I miss high school). Now that I’m a senior in college, the future is one big scary unknown. When I was 18 and a senior in high school, I was desperate to be out, but the next four years were pretty much a given. Sure, college would be a new experience but at least I knew where I’d be living and what I’d be doing for the foreseeable future. There was comfort in that.

So I guess when I feel like I miss that relationship, it’s partly true. But mostly I miss the comfort of being deep into a committed relationship, the comfort of knowing where I’ll be living and what I’ll be doing in the future, the comfort of the way things were. The future is almost here and I can’t visualize it, it’s like staring into an abyss. I hated high school and I don’t want to be the type of person who buys into the cliché of romanticizing it, but this senior year makes that senior year seem pretty sweet.


photo credit: >kindgott< Haas via photopin (license)

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Category: featured, Romance

Ellen Asermely

About the Author ()

Ellen Asermely is a senior (!) in the Pardee School studying International Relations. Born and raised in Rhode Island, the smallest but weirdest state, she enjoys coffee milk, the Big Blue Bug, and Awful Awfuls. In her free time, Ellen can be found by the ocean, eating anything with cheese on it, reading Harry Potter, or hugging strangers' dogs.

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