The Microwave Defense

| May 9, 2017 | 0 Comments

Recently, I learned a truly horrifying truth from Trump adviser Kellyanne Conway, one that shook me to my core and made me wonder if I will ever feel safe again. President Obama has been watching me through my microwave. That’s right, my microwave. According to Conway, my microwave can turn into a camera, and the whole U.S. government can know just how many Thin Mints I eat from my kitchen in a day.

I was outraged. How could something I love so much betray me like this? I can no longer trust my main source of food, the only kitchen appliance I know how to use. They came for my healthcare, my bodily autonomy, my voting rights, but now they’ve come for my popcorn. I knew I had to take action.

What’s the go-to method for covering a government spy-camera? Tape, of course—it’s what people already use for their laptop cameras. I ran to my kitchen armed with a roll of duct tape, only to realize I had no idea where the camera is on a microwave. No matter, my security was at stake. I would have to take extreme precautions. I began coating my entire microwave in blue duct tape, inside and out, with a few extra layers over that shifty-looking digital clock. I have to say, I do wish I had gotten duct tape in a more fun pattern, but it was nonetheless effective.

For a brief moment, I felt relieved. My secrets were safe from Barack Obama’s microwave cameras (microcams? camrowaves?). But my relief turned quickly to dread as I remembered the evacuation of my building caused by a microwave fire a few days ago. What if the cause wasn’t someone putting a potato in the microwave for 10 minutes, like facilities said it was? What if the government remotely sabotaged the microwave to clear out the building, so they could snoop around our apartments?

This was a whole new level of violation, and I had to stop it at once. Surely the CIA couldn’t watch an apartment through a burning microwave, so how else could they see us? TVs, possibly, as we know they can at least use them as microphones, but my TV is secure. I already tied a blanket around the screen and covered the entire thing in soundproofing foam. (It’s a lot less fun to watch now, but my secrets are safe.)

Suddenly, the answer hit me. It was obviously my vacuum. It doesn’t have any visible screens, cameras, or microphones, but neither did that traitorous microwave. And, think about it, the vacuum is portable. If Obama/the CIA/Putin maybe? could figure out how to control it remotely, they could see every inch of my apartment. You probably already know how this story ends. My vacuum is in my closet, with the wheels removed, wrapped top to bottom in five layers of duct tape. Try turning it into a camera now, Obama.

I advise you all to take the same precautions, unless you want the government snooping around your place of living, judging you when you stay in your pajamas til noon eating Nutella out of the jar. Should I find any more security breaches, I will report back. Stay safe, everyone.

 

Featured Image Credit: danc86 Vintage Sharp Carousel via photopin (license)

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Samantha Troll

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