Horseshoes And

| September 6, 2013 | 1 Comment

So the United States is going to war with Syria now because, shrug, the United States has always been at war with Syria. Nineteen Eighty-Four jokes are in vogue this summer.

War, noun: Something that kills human beings.

Nineteen Eighty-Four: A book written about a despotic regime. Did not accurately describe the state of world affairs in 1984.

It’s the chemical weapons, you see. I mentioned them the last time I wrote about Syria, back in May. Then it was determined that the chemical weapons had been used by the rebels in that ongoing civil war. This time the chemical weapons have been used by the Assad regime, and that is a moral outrage that demands the involvement of the United States military.

Rebelnoun: Someone who kills human beings we don’t like.

Chemical Weaponnoun: Something that kills human beings in a cruel and painful way. Not to be used.

The United States military is the strongest military force in the world.  Its strength makes it better at killing bad human beings. More money is spent on the United States military than on any other military in the world, presumably to further strengthen it.

Militarynoun: A group of human beings paid to protect other human beings. Generally this is done by killing other human beings. Not to be confused with Gang. 

Moneynoun: A scarce resource used by human beings to get what they want.

The U.S. military was once used in the effort to stop and depose Adolf Hitler. Hitler was the chancellor of Germany, who at the time had a very strong military of their own. The U.S. military has been used in the past decade in the efforts to stop and depose the Taliban and Saddam Hussein. All three of those targets were bad human beings, to varying degrees. Upon removing the latter two from power, the U.S. military had to then fight off insurgents for years. The U.S. won, I think.

Adolf Hitlernoun: The benchmark against which other bad human beings are measured.

Insurgentnoun: Someone who kills human beings we like. Not to be confused with Rebel. 

I’m told the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq have ended. They were supposed to end. There were timetables and deadlines for the removal of U.S. military forces. Those deadlines have passed, I think. If you tune in to the evening news on the right dates, you can still hear about people dying in those countries.

Dieverb: To cease living; to forever end consciousness; to permanently stop playing a role upon the grand stage of human existence. What happens when someone is killed.

Having exited Afghanistan and Iraq, I suppose that the U.S. military has the time to involve itself in Syria. Idle hands are the devil’s playthings, after all. A saint wrote that in a different language over a thousand years ago. 100,000 human beings have died during the Syrian Civil War, much closer to the present day. That is a tragedy. More will die before it is over. That is also a tragedy. The difference now is that some will die because of American weapons.

Americanadjective: The quality of human beings who were born or who live in the United States. See Important. 

There are human beings who say that the U.S. shouldn’t send its military forces to Syria. These humans often point out that U.S. intervention in Afghanistan and Iraq did not go as planned. Some of them note that U.S. intervention would inevitably lead to the deaths of innocent humans. The humans who spout such radical ideas are often called pacifists, and they are rarely taken seriously.

Pacifistnoun: Someone who opposes war. See Weakling.


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Category: featured, Poetry, Prose and Comedy, Politics

Ryan Brister

About the Author ()

Ryan is studying journalism in the college of communication. He hails from Rochester, New York, and is slowly growing tired of explaining that it's really quite far from NYC. He watches far too much sports and likes to think of his life as a really long (and occasionally boring) book. His guilty pleasures include most of the music from the 1980s and every movie Sylvester Stallone ever starred in.

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