In case you haven’t heard, Ryan Gosling saved a woman’s life. When I got this news, I was devastated. If he keeps pushing the bounds of what it means to be Ryan Gosling, how can the rest of us possibly aspire to be Goslingesque?
I mean, I am not saying that I am anywhere close to Ryan’s level. I cannot pierce the camera with my blue eyes (I don’t even have goddamned blue eyes). I can’t be spotted in a tank top taking my huge dogs around the city (tank tops look much different on him than they do on me). I can’t simultaneously save the lives of orphans and solve the Israel-Palestine conflict all while making
Michelle Williams Carey Mulligan feel beautiful (no clarification needed).
But hey, a guy can dream.
How do I cope with the fact that I am not Ryan Gosling? I mean, I have had these realizations before. It wasn’t easy finding out I wasn’t Jim Morrison or Marlon Brando. But this is Ryan Gosling we’re talking about. Ryan Fucking Gosling. He makes Christ look lazy.
My only option is paltry emulation.
Step 1: Circular Frames
Does Ryan need his glasses?
Of course not, Philistine. His vision is 20/20.
For Ryan, glasses are a way to keep his Goslingness in check.
Ryan is like an x-ray: if you were exposed to him 24/7, you’d likely die.
Do I need my glasses?
Obviously. I’m blind without them.
They allow me to see and create the illusion that my nose is slightly smaller than it actually is.
Why does Ryan wear his Beanie?
Is it to look like a tough guy?
No, he doesn’t look like a tough guy, he is a tough guy.
While you were busy instagramming your tumblr and tweeting your hashtags he was breaking up fights.
Why do I wear my Beanie?
I want to look like a tough guy.
And a musician.
Step 3: Memes
As of this point I have only been turned into a single meme.
(Thank you, Rachel Schowalter!)
A Feminist Hey Girl meme.
(Hey check out BU Culture Shock’s Collegiate Feminista!)
I’m not complaining.
The message of my post is that if you can’t be Ryan Gosling (and you can’t), don’t try.
You’ll end up looking ridiculous.
Just like me.