What We Talk About When We Talk About Ryan Gosling

| April 19, 2012

Hey Girl.

In case you haven’t heard, Ryan Gosling saved a woman’s life. When I got this news, I was devastated. If he keeps pushing the bounds of what it means to be Ryan Gosling, how can the rest of us possibly aspire to be Goslingesque?

I mean, I am not saying that I am anywhere close to Ryan’s level. I cannot pierce the camera with my blue eyes (I don’t even have goddamned blue eyes). I can’t be spotted in a tank top taking my huge dogs around the city (tank tops look much different on him than they do on me). I can’t simultaneously save the lives of orphans and solve the Israel-Palestine conflict all while making Michelle Williams Carey Mulligan feel beautiful (no clarification needed).

But hey, a guy can dream.

How do I cope with the fact that I am not Ryan Gosling? I mean, I have had these realizations before. It wasn’t easy finding out I wasn’t Jim Morrison or Marlon Brando. But this is Ryan Gosling we’re talking about. Ryan Fucking Gosling. He makes Christ look lazy.

My only option is paltry emulation.

Step 1: Circular Frames

Does Ryan need his glasses?
Of course not, Philistine. His vision is 20/20.
For Ryan, glasses are a way to keep his Goslingness in check.
Ryan is like an x-ray: if you were exposed to him 24/7, you’d likely die.

Do I need my glasses?
Obviously. I’m blind without them.
They allow me to see and create the illusion that my nose is slightly smaller than it actually is.

Step 2: Beanie

Why does Ryan wear his Beanie?
Is it to look like a tough guy?
No, he doesn’t look like a tough guy, he is a tough guy.
While you were busy instagramming your tumblr and tweeting your hashtags he was breaking up fights.

Why do I wear my Beanie?
I want to look like a tough guy.
And a musician.

Step 3: Memes

So far Ryan Gosling has about 3 million.
There was the popular “Hey Girl” series,
the resulting “Feminist Hey Girl,”
and one of my personal favorites: Hey Girl meets Texts From Hillary.

As of this point I have only been turned into a single meme.
(Thank you, Rachel Schowalter!)
A Feminist Hey Girl meme.
(Hey check out BU Culture Shock’s Collegiate Feminista!)
I’m not complaining.

The message of my post is that if you can’t be Ryan Gosling (and you can’t), don’t try.
You’ll end up looking ridiculous.
Just like me.

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Category: featured, TV and Movies

Adam DiBattista

About the Author ()

Adam DiBattista (CAS '14) is extremely proud to say that he is an Italian from New Jersey. Don't bother asking him about Jersey Shore. From the time he was a child he knew that he wanted to be an archaeologist. He continues working on that dream as an archaeology major. He fancies himself a renaissance man and dabbles in many things. Perhaps extreme amateur would be a better term. In his spare time he can be found trying to play harmonica or top-roping at Fit-Rec. Adam has many obsessions: Woodcut illustration, Italian grindhouse films of the 1970s, and cryptography (just to name a few).

Comments (2)

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  1. Rhiannon Pabich says:

    Favorite line: “But this is Ryan Gosling we’re talking about. Ryan Fucking Gosling. He makes Christ look lazy.”

    Have I ever told you that I love the way you form sentences? They’re beautiful, just like you.

  2. Rachel Schowalter says:

    You’re welcome.