Growing up I always felt a little out of place, like I was holding out for something. A change. An opportunity. Just cruising for now. I knew somehow I would help people in an important way. I don’t know how and I still don’t. I’ve thought about it a lot. Maybe I will cure a disease; I’m pre-med after all. People expect me to do that eventually. Or I will set up multiple public health policies like my dad. Or maybe I will do something as simple as jumping in front of a car to save a child in danger.
I still feel like I’ll do something worthwhile in my life. Something significant. My parents hint at it a lot. It’s also their way of explaining the way I feel out of place in my small midwest Missouri city. They say I’m so much older then my biological age and I’m so different that it scares people away. It’s not like I run around naked screaming all the time, I just think in a different manner.
But being successful…I don’t know. I’ve had it all in my hometown while having nothing. If you slightly understand depression you might have understood that statement. If you don’t …well I’m not sure how to explain it. I’ve been trying to explain depressed Emmy for a couple years … so get back to me in another few years and I’ll maybe have a better statement.
My depression is really bad sometimes. I can be fine and then it feels like a switch flips in my head. I feel myself extended and dull. My thoughts don’t make sense to some, but I just don’t care to be understood anymore. Nothing really has significance anymore and I just keep going. I’ll cry until I can’t breathe. I make these weird gasping noises but I’m afraid of people hearing me so I stop. If they hear me people will start interacting with me, which is the worst. Interactions such as passing someone on the street or a professor making eye contact fill me with anxiety. Existing hurts. I usually feel numb, which sucks but is also nice. Being numb means not feeling the general pain, but it also requires a lot of energy especially since I’m easy to read. People know when I’m in a depressed episode.
I don’t really think of success as how much money I make or the type of hours I work. I measure success by being stuck in these depressed episodes less frequently. Maybe having someone to cuddle with when I feel so bad words can’t describe it. If you put it on a large scale, whatever I find a cure for someone else will find a better cure eventually and after I die…I’m dead … so should I care that everything will change? I don’t think my life is more for other people but more for myself. To find a way to be happy with me, myself, and I and whoever wants to join in are welcomed to. Maybe by just doing what I want to do when I want to do it. Less pressure, more me to focus on. Then I could feel like my own priority. I don’t know if I’ll cure something, decrease cases of mental illnesses in the homeless, or save all the cats from a burning building. It would just be nice to feel less like this.