While sitting an airport one day, I was thinking about my life, which can be a dangerous thing to do while sitting at an airport because you never know what TSA can and can’t see with that full-body scan machine.
I usually mull over the same few topics when I think about my life: 1. How many dairy products I’ve eaten that day 2. If my friends had to pick people via the gym-class-dodge-ball method to be stuck with on a deserted island, would they pick me? 3. What I’m going to do with my life when I graduate.
The last is the scariest to think about, which is why I spend most of my thinking time on the dairy products. I’ve had some work experience, but when I think about what my resume says, it doesn’t showcase my finest—and truest—skills. My additional attributes deserve as much limelight as the title “intern” or “assistant,” especially because I know these assets would prove beneficial in the professional world. And if not beneficial, then they would certainly make me a unique candidate for any job. The word unique is also used to describe cashiers with five-inch long acrylic nails with butterfly decals on them and three-legged dogs.
My REAL resume:
- Formerly proficient in French
- Pretty good at looking things up on Google
- Third-place winner of the New Horizon’s Montessori School Kindergarten Swim-a-Thon
- Always willing to “go-halfsies” on two different sandwiches if one is debating between ordering said sandwiches
- Can charm the pants off of nearly anyone wearing pants
- Earned over half of a college degree
- Aspiring cheese connoisseur
- 20/20 vision
- Excessively knowledgeable in specific subject areas: Saturday Night Live, Hair: The American Tribal Love Rock Musical, and Jewish Overnight Camp
- A really great person to grow old with
The formatting needs improvement, but the employer who sees my skills will think, “Wow. This is an employable candidate! She can do everything!” To which I will reply, “Oh, hypothetical employer! Do not flatter me! I cannot do everything just yet. There’s still so much to learn, like how to snake a drainpipe or how to put anything together from Ikea.” But I know with these skills, I will have a job in no time. And if you happen to become financially stable before I do, please know I will be contacting you soon.